There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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