I puked a lego.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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