i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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