My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
