he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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