Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
