Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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