There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
