im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My dick has a subreddit
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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