Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
