he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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