i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
