Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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