I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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