I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
