and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
