We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
