if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i think my cat just said my name.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
