see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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