Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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