He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
