Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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