Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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