We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
