If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
