I'm really into asian looking animals
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
