apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
