I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
