No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
