Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
