Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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