No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
