I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
