it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
