Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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