i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have tasted many bathrooms
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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