You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
