I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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