so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
