guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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