I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
