I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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