Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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