this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The uberlube is also flammable
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
