Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
