Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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