You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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