I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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