Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
