woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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