I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
